Bleeding

One of my classmates shared this quote by Ernest Hemingway with me recently:

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."

I've been having trouble blogging. There are mundane, everyday things I want to write about. That I've always written about. Am I a "mommy blogger"? I don't know. I know I love to write about my sweet babies. But I guess my mom died and now whenever I sit down at this computer to write anything that has to do with me...it feels like opening the wound all over again. And I don't know when that will go away.

I love to write, it is freeing and healing. But I guess I feel like everything in my life screams MY MOM IS DEAD so what am I supposed to write about?

I'm getting good grades...but my mom died.

I'm planning Brantley's first birthday party...but my mom won't be there.

I'm DREADING the holidays...because my mom is dead.

I had a good time with some girlfriends the other night...but my mom wasn't there.

I had fun with the kids today...but mom is still dead.

Her absence is consuming. The silence is deafening. I feel like I live in a purgatory of emotions that jump from day to day. Mostly, I'm fine. I don't feel guilty for being fine. I have little people to take care of and LIFE to do and that's just how it is. 

But the gut-wrenching, breath-taking truth is...

She's still gone. And I'm still broken.