Being pregnant is fun and exciting. Sometimes I think about raising a child though, and that is mostly scary. I have two sisters and we are about as different as three people can be. How can three people, raised by the exact same two people, turn out so differently?
I have all these ideas and things I will and won't do once the baby is here. At least Joe and I talk a big game when it comes to that, but who knows how we will really be? What if I don't do the things I hope right now that I will? What if I look at my teenager one day in 16 years (as I'm sure I will) and I think "who is this person"?? I am scared of doing/saying something wrong. I know this is silly.
I also had a nice little crying fit in the middle of a nice movie the other night with Joe, thinking about the baby not being a baby anymore. I am so excited for what is to come, but it already makes me sad, the thought of my little boy/girl not wanting to hold my hand in public, not wanting me to drive them to school, not wanting anything to do with me. How hurtful that must be, from a parent's point of view. To want a baby so badly, and then one day that baby doesn't want you. It is making me tear up now, at work, like a crazy person, just thinking about it.
Like I said, I know this is silly, and all I can do is my best. And hope and PRAY LIKE CRAZY that all of my kids are just like their daddy and love their mother forever, and never give her any greif. Please Lord, don't make them anything like me!
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The "What's gonna happen when my baby isn't a baby anymore?" thought will still make you cry even when you aren't pregnant and hormonal.
ReplyDeleteI remember looking at Mackenzie while she just this itty bitty helpless newborn, just knowing that I'd miss that stage so much once she was walking. I cried more than once while holding her and thinking about that. Then, she started crawling, and then walking, and I started thinking about how much I'd miss the toddler stage, and how much I already miss her cuddly infant stage.
I often think about who she is going to turn out to be, and how I hope she turns out. I wonder if I am raising her correctly. I wonder if she is going to give me the trouble that I gave my parents. I HOPE she doesn't.
When it all comes down to it, I just want her to be a decent human being. I want her to be understanding. I want her to know how to stand her ground. I want her to know that even on her worst days, when it seems that no one is there, I am. I always will be.
It isn't silly to worry that you might fail. It isn't silly to worry about your child growing up. It is normal. You are going to be a great mother, Kayla.
Oh gracious, I've cried so many tears over the same sorts of things! I cried when I found out Wyatt was a boy, because I knew he would grow up and get married and leave me one day. I couldn't believe I was already crying about him getting married. And what did I know about little boys? I've only ever been a little girl. Lots of crazy thoughts like that. It's the hormones, Friend - but I know it doesn't make it any easier. :-(
ReplyDeleteJust wait until those postpartum hormones hit you - I cried the entire first week because my baby was so sweet, and I didn't want him to grow up!
Just pray for your child numerous times per day and do your best! You are going to be a great mom! :)
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