Ramblings....

I have written and deleted this post over and over. I am not sure where to begin, but I'm not a person who keeps my feelings inside. I need to talk about them. I need to have it all out in the open.

Tragedies happen all the time and we think "oh how sad" and shake our heads at the world. We feel sorry for the people it happened to while inside we are beyond relieved it didn't happen to us. Car crashes, fires, terrorist attacks, we are all thinking "Thank God it wasn't us" or "I just don't know what I would do" and then our lives keep going. Life doesn't stop for people just because their world stops. It's the hard truth. We see the horrible things happening in our world on TV, then we complain. We complain about having to get up and go to work or forgetting to stop by the store or the weather or anything that disrupts our happy lives.

I am not going to pretend that I know what it feels like to lose a child. I hope I never know what that feels like. And these thoughts I'm typing out may not even make sense when I get done because my mind is racing. All I do know is that I've never been more thankful for my sweet baby girl and every single thing about her than I have been in the last three days.

On Friday, mothers lost their children at the hand of someone else. Someone set out and chose to hurt and kill their babies. All I can think about, over and over, is what were they thinking in that classroom? Were they scared? Did they yell for their mommies? Did they reach out for one another? I know these aren't things I should be focused on and it's not going to change anything, I just can't bear the thought of 20 six year olds dying alone.

I honestly don't know what I would do if I were one of those mothers. I'm not sure I would stay a sane person. This isn't one of those tragedies where I shake my head and never really attach myself to it emotionally. I don't know if it is just the unthinkable act itself, or if I keep seeing Bella at six years old in the first grade. If our children cannot even be safe at school, what hope is there?

My first thought as a terrified parent watching this on TV is that I never want Bella to be away from me. That's it, I'm quitting my job and homeschooling her, end of story. But we never know when tragedy can strike, and I know I can't live my life in fear. It is true that  you never know true fear and worry until you become a mother.

I just hope and pray that those parents have faith in God because the only thing that has helped me even be able to watch this on TV is knowing that those sweet children are with Jesus now. They aren't scared or hurting, they are just happy. I hope their parents feel that same peace and know that they will see their kids again one day.

Like I said, I don't know if this even makes sense or if I'm just rambling, all I know is that I am mourning those 20 babies with the state of Connecticut and the rest of the country, and I just wish I could give every single one of those mothers a hug.