A Vulnerable Post

Yesterday my mother died.

I have been thinking about writing this post for a few days. Writing helps me feel better and organize my thoughts. In all honesty, I lost my mom Wednesday night, July 9th, when she suffered a massive brain bleed due to a ruptured brain aneurysm.

It's one of those things that only happens to other people. It doesn't happen to me. It's one of those things you see on facebook or on the news and think "oh how awful" and change the channel or continue reading your book or like the next post. You aren't being insensitive, that's just life. You are removed from the situation. It's something awful, but thank God it didn't happen to you. Thank God you didn't lose your mom.

I hope you are thanking God for your moms. I hope you hug her and smell her and remember what her hands feel like and what perfume she used. I hope you take a minute to remember what her favorite color is or her favorite book or her favorite place on earth. 

For mine, her favorite color was UK blue. Her favorite book was Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Her favorite place in the whole wide world was sitting on the beach in Panama City Beach, Florida, reading a book or watching the sun set. Her favorite person was my daddy. 

I am feeling a lot of different things, and as I write this I feel mostly numb. I have held it together today. Things needed to be arranged, outfits needed to be picked out, along with caskets. Things you don't think you will have to do until you are old and gray and at peace with your mama passing because she lived a long and full life. 

My mother lived a full life that is for sure. But it was not long. My babies are just 2 and a half and almost 8 months old. They will not remember her. I hope and pray my sweet Bella will remember flashes of her. She grabbed my PawPaw's hands today and told him "Nana is with Jesus, that's why she's gone." She is showing signs of knowing what is going on, and for that I am thankful. I'm not sure I could handle her asking where Nana is every few minutes. 

I find myself wishing it was a year from now. That the funeral and all the I'm so sorry's and I'm praying for you's were over. But will they ever be? I won't ever spend a day not thinking about her. It will be months before the urge to call her and talk to her on my way to somewhere goes away. I hear her voice in my head. When will that fade? When will I have to look at a picture to remember what she looks like? Maybe a year from now will be worse, not better. I hope it gets better.

My only hope and comfort in all of this is knowing she is with Jesus and that he is holding my broken heart in his hands. She loved God and taught me so many things about being a mother and showing God's love to others, especially my own children. I am overwhelmingly sad right now, but I'm not angry with God. He didn't do this. He had a plan for my mom's life and I know he has a plan for mine.

We hold too tightly to this world. All we have are our relationships in it and we have to invest in those to ensure we will continue them in Heaven. I love my mother, she is the best woman I have ever known and I cry tears of joy knowing I will see her again. 

So hug your mom. Don't argue with her. (She is always right anyways.) Make sure you tell her you love her. Make sure you tell her you are thankful for her. I am blessed to have had the close friendship with my mom that we shared. I am blessed she was at my wedding, I am blessed she has met my first two babies. I will keep her alive in my heart.